We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
