Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Never underestimate the power of titties
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
