just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
