yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
