GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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