yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
