1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
