if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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