google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
