My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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