In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
