You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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