So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
