Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
