I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
