I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
