i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
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