Im at strip club and am horny
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
