what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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