i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
