Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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