I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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