I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
