Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
