Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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