My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
