My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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