We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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