What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
