Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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