My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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