I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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