woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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