I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
