Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
