I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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