Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
