EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
