If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
