On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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