i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
