last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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