the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Help. Why am I so naked?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
