Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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