Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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