i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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