i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
