He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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