You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
