i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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