If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
