Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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