Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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