You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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