What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
