Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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