I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
