Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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